Chapter 15-The Six Ghosts of Fear

Chapter 15, Fear

FEAR- an icy hand grabs my stomach and squeezes as I
start this discussion, yet again. Last time we did
Chapter 15 I decided not to participate - why ? Fear
of facing unnamed DEMONS yet again.

Is it fear of criticism, always thought so - hmm not
true, fear of not being accepted - yea that's it - If
I am criticized, then am I being shunned - again ??

Is that the question, Did I do something wrong again ?
Must be other wise you would not leave, it might be me,
must be my fault.

I started to think about facing this chapter last
night - and did not, so tonight I decided , lets do
it again, so what happened I read the first page and
stopped - walked around the house - and went straight
for chocolate ( luckily one of my Sisters had given
me a box for Valentines day, so far writing this has
required the ingestion of 8 pieces of chocolate -

I am hoping to finish writing before I consume the
entire box) Hill says "Before we can master an enemy,
we must know its name, its habits, and its place of
abode."

I seem to be of two minds at once on this issue - one
part the professional woman fully understanding
professional criticism as a constructive method of
learning and I am ok with that.

However, on a personal level when criticism is aimed
I immediately ( wow, just realized as I was writing )
have a fear of loss - If I am criticized , then I am
not the person you thought I was and You will leave
me - then the hurt begins again .

I know that hurt - deep searing hot gashes run across
my heart - seems logical that since criticism has
always been followed first by physical, then by
emotional pain, then after criticism and pain, I
am alone again, no smiles, no kind words, no hugs,
only tears to quiet the hurt.

Tears run freely - these tears run only in the
darkest corners of my heart - someday they may stop,
when they see daylight the pain is brought back, just
as night follows day, and summer follows spring pain
follows criticism, loss follows pain.

I keep a safe distance - should I get too close pain
slithers in - I let you get too close here the sound
of slithering keeps me on constant vigil I can not
let the pain come back living in tears is NO longer
acceptable.

I have huge Demons still to fight - the war is not
over, not yet - This fear quiets my voice - has many
times kept me in the background - or after speaking
up I review what I let out and will spend hours
assessing the potential for loss .

Risk assessment ,No that is not what I am doing. I
am trying to manage fear, instead of working to
eliminate the demon I have spent a lifetime working
to manage this fear.

I still do not like chapter 15- no I do not like this.
I do however believe it is necessary for me to read and
write to read and write until there is no more writing
left to be done .

Big Bunches of thanks for this family that loves
enough to believe in me, and keeping the fires
going while I fight the battles to overcome my
aged Demons -

Love always
Your Friend Forever
Mustang Sarah